Is it too much to be loved for who I really am?
by RG3
Summary: A 1stPPOV account from Goku about his time after defeating Buu. References to GxV and GtxT, but none of the usual female bashing. Depending on reviews, I'll continue this story line. I do not own DBZ


**Is it too much to ask to be loved for who I really am?**

I have spent my entire life living up to the expectations of others. Everyone thinks I'm this angel that can do no wrong. Everyone thinks I'm the savior of the Universe. Everyone thinks that I am the most saintly, unselfish, kind, compassionate person ever…bur do they ever stop to think of ME??

I am a Saiyan—one of the last of a dying race. My race only lives on in my half-breed children and the children of my longtime rival—if I can call him that. We have fought many battles together, saved our World countless times, and have only grown stronger and remained eternally youthful it seems, while our loved ones died around us.

But the whole time, I have wandered if any of my friends or family ever really knew the real me. My oldest son worships the ground I walk on, my best friend thought the Universe of me, all my friends called me "Their Hero" and "Savior of the Universe." My wife—despite her temper and irritability—loved me as any wife could, despite all the Hell I put her through. But did she really love me for who I am?

I don't think they did…they never saw the lust for battle, the ancient raw hunger of my race that yearned for carnage and blood. They never saw the animalistic appetite of my sexual nature—something Chichi certainly could never have fulfilled for it would have certainly killed her.

Yes, to them I was an eternally playful child that only cared for others and for the sanctity of all life. It was all I could do to not go totally insane!! Why could I not think about myself for a change!? Why could I not be just another one of the guys!? Why could I not be acknowledged for my basic-humanity…I suppose I could call myself that. I don't think anyone ever thought about what I wanted or who I was. That is, until Vegeta stepped into the picture.

After he settled on Earth and formed his own family, I came to understand myself better than I ever did. He taught me what it meant to be a Saiyan and how good it felt to acknowledge my own needs and desires, despite my hero status. He understood me better than anyone ever could and I thanked and, I suppose, loved him for that. In time, he became a great friend, training partner, and confidant. But things started to change….

We became lovers after a few years. Bulma had given birth to Bra and became pretty inattentive to Vegeta. Chichi seemed uninterested as well, after I returned to my family, after Buu was defeated. I suppose it was inevitable. One day as when we sparred in the wilderness…it just….it just happened. It was everything I ever dreamed of and I believe he felt the same way. We continued in the same manner for years and quite honestly I had never been happier. He brought out a person in me that I never knew existed – a person that could let it all go, not worry about what others thought, and could show all of his emotions and desires and not receive any contempt or ridicule for them —Vegeta could certainly take a pounding in more ways than one as well. I just wish things could have been different, where we didn't need to hide who we were and how we felt for each other.

I don't think Chichi ever knew of the affair. I always returned home to her and time seemed to have mellowed her out. She would always smile and greet me with food and company. I could not imagine causing her anymore grief than I already had, but in doing so I sacrificed my own true happiness. There were nights when I literally cried myself to sleep, thinking what I was doing was wrong and that I did not deserve what happiness I had—even if it was from someone who was not my spouse. But I could not stop myself. I was too in love with Vegeta. Then one day, the time I dreaded had come.

Chichi was laying in her bed, surrounded by friends and family, ready to succumb to her final illness. She seemed at peace, having lived a happy and fulfilling life. Gohan and Videl were on one side, tears streaming down Gohan's face. Goten and Trunks were in the living room. The two had excused themselves on account of Goten's uncontrollable grief. I could hear Goten sobbing into Trunk's shoulder. The two had been lovers for years. I knew it from the very beginning when I smelled Trunks on Goten during one of our sparring sessions. I could not say I was unhappy though—those two had always loved each other even though they wouldn't admit it in the beginning. Chichi certainly wasn't pleased to hear it. She took a while to get used to the idea, but in the end she was proud to hear Trunks call her "Mom." I felt good knowing Goten was secure with Trunks. No one could love Goten the way Trunks does, and I thank him for that.

But did Chichi know about my continuing affair with Vegeta? If she did she certainly never let on to it. I sat by her side in her final moments—holding her hand and listening to her labored breathing. _Oh Chichi, I am really sorry for all that I've done. I've been so selfish._ Then she looked up at me with a saintly, angelic look.

"Goku?" she said…

"I love you so much. You know that right?"

"Yes" _I can't imagine why or how you could though._

"I'm so proud of you and our sons. You three have made me happier than any mother and wife could be. I only wish things worked out differently."

"…" _Whatever could she mean by that? _

She looked at me with a knowing smile as if there was something she knew about that I wasn't telling her—as if anything else was new. But what was she referring to exactly?

She looked at me and in a weak voice said, "and take care of Vegeta…he really loves you so."

Then she passed peacefully into the Afterlife—leaving me to contemplate if she indeed knew about Vegeta and I.

Inevitably, the tears came from all those in the room including me. But my tears were those of guilt. She did indeed know and never said anything. That wasn't the Chichi I knew. She never would have stood for something like this had she known. I wander if I will have to answer to her in the Afterlife.

But at the same time, I felt a tinge of happiness that was unlike I had ever felt before. In a way, she had given her approval. I was now free to pursue someone who understood me and loved me for who I really am. I knew he was out there waiting for me somewhere….


End file.
